Alone? How to deal with involuntary loneliness

One in eight Swedes lacks a close friend, and over a million are experiencing loneliness in a way they do not want to be. Here, psychologist Anna Bennich explains how we are affected by involuntary loneliness and how we can break the vicious cycle. “We are social animals; we are not meant to be completely alone and isolated,” she says.

Many people enjoy being alone sometimes, but it is when loneliness is not self-imposed that it can be harmful to us.

“If you no longer want to be alone, and cannot break out of your loneliness, if there is no one you can call, then loneliness becomes involuntary. And that is really not good for us if it continues over time,” says Anna Bennich.

Table of contents

How does loneliness affect us?

People who are involuntarily lonely often feel ashamed of their situation, says Anna Bennich. One way to hide it is to lie about it. For example, saying at work that you are going to meet friends at the weekend when you are not.

This usually causes them to withdraw even more. We all want to hide the things we feel ashamed of. This increases the risk of loneliness, and a negative spiral begins.

Feelings of loneliness can come on quickly and affect us mentally just as quickly.

We become depressed and lethargic. We often find it harder to sleep and have less energy. We feel bad, have low confidence in our own abilities in social situations, and have very negative ideas about not being liked by others.

How can you break the cycle of loneliness?

Start by seeking support

When you have been involuntarily lonely for a long time, it can be difficult to get back into social life on your own. Tips such as getting a dog or perhaps taking up pottery can therefore feel almost provocative.

“If you are extremely depressed and have zero confidence in your own abilities, have been alone for a long time and feel a lot of self-loathing and shame, then a course in silversmithing is not something we can manage. That will come later,” says Anna Bennich, continuing:

“My first piece of advice to lonely people is that they need help. They need help with their depression, help to cope, help to take small steps forward. They need help with planning and they may need help to reduce their shyness or other obstacles.

Get active among people

In the long run, however, some form of increased social interaction is needed in order to gradually feel less lonely.

“If you want to get out of loneliness, you have to activate yourself a little and help yourself to be in places where there is an opportunity to meet others. An important thing to remember is to think in small steps: the goal does not have to be to find a new best friend. Spending some time among people and making small talk can be good enough to start with, without any expectations of where it will lead. 

Research shows that social networks also play an important role in well-being from a broader perspective, says Anna Bennich.

“What is fascinating about these studies is that close relationships, but also our wider social network, such as relatives, book clubs, colleagues, and neighbors, having people around us seems to be just as important for our health as getting vaccinated, exercising, and not smoking.”

Volunteer work

It feels good to do things for other people and to have a purpose in a task.

“You go out to help with something, not just because you are lonely. Then it is actually an opportunity to meet other people and exchange a few words.

Break the silence

You can think about whether there are things you can do to break the silence.

You can go to the library and read for a while among other people. Or go to church. You don’t have to be a believer to be there, you can just go and look around for a while, have a cup of coffee, and listen to some music.

Call someone

If you feel lonely and just want to hear a voice, one piece of advice is to call someone if possible.

You could call someone and talk for a while, a relative or someone else if you feel up to it, so that you can hear other voices.

Use social media—if it makes you feel good

According to studies, passive use of social media, i.e., scrolling, can have a negative impact and increase feelings of loneliness.

But participating more actively can have positive effects.

There may be an interest forum somewhere that you can join. There are all kinds of groups and gatherings online.

Don’t underestimate the internet. Even if you feel that you’re not interested in anything, you can go in and look at something you’re not interested in and just start interacting a little and maybe learn something new.

Is loneliness dangerous?

Over time, loneliness can become dangerous, leading to deep depression.

In the worst case, life can feel meaningless in this debilitating loneliness, with thoughts about whether it is even worth living.

Involuntary loneliness can also lead to various physiological problems in the long term.

If you are involuntarily lonely and isolated for a long time, there is an increased risk of negative physical health effects. For example, an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, earlier onset of dementia, and increased aggressive behavior.

Anna Bennich draws a parallel to the ancient savannah. Even though the world looks different today, our biological systems function in much the same way.

“We are herd animals; we are not meant to be completely alone and isolated. When we are for a long time, our stress system kicks in. We get a signal to return to our group and our context,” she says and continues:

“Chronic stress, even if low-intensity, ultimately leads to an increased risk of various stress-related conditions. Stress is not supposed to be constant, but studies show that this is what happens during prolonged, involuntary loneliness.

Is there a difference between social loneliness and emotional loneliness?

There are different types of loneliness. People who experience social loneliness often live alone and may lack friends. It is about how many social contacts you have around you.

These are often people who may not live with their families and have few social contacts. One description of missing a really close friend might be that you have no one to call in the middle of the night if you need comfort.

Emotional loneliness, on the other hand, is a feeling of being alone. You can feel lonely even though you are surrounded by family, friends, and colleagues.

“It’s more about not feeling understood by those around you, or feeling different. That you don’t fit in, don’t belong, don’t get anything out of others. It feels meaningless in some way to be among others.

How common is loneliness?

300,000 people are socially isolated

– Approximately 300,000 Swedes are socially isolated. This means that they meet other people no more than a couple of times a month at most.

One in eight Swedes lacks a close friend

– When asked: “Do you have a close friend you can turn to?” one in eight Swedes say: “I don’t have a close friend.”

Up to one million Swedes feel lonely

– According to the SOM Institute, approximately between half a million and one million Swedes say they are lonely in a way they don’t want to be, but this is not a case of social isolation. Perhaps they work but never meet their colleagues, or perhaps they are struggling financially.

Older people are the loneliest

Social isolation is less common among younger people.

Among 16-24 year olds, the proportion is 1 percent. After retirement age, between 75 and 84, the figure rises to 10 percent. Among the oldest, aged 85 and above, the proportion is 15 percent.

Source: Anna Bennich, psychologist, psychotherapist, and author, and SCB.

Further reading

How do you deal with loneliness during the holidays?